No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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