my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
