Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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