Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
