His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
