no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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