Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
