My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
