What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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