tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
