Operation Purity has been aborted
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
