what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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