Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
foreskin is a definite game changer
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
