My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
