I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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