I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
