Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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