I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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