Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
