how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
