I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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