Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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