There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
