just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
