So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
