I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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