The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Girls should come with a carfax report
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
