My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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