I just saw a hot homeless man
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
