This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
