i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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