There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
