Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
