What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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