yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I lost the right to judge tonight
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
