Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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