My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
This toilet bowl is my home.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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