So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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