Will you blow on my dice?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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