Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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