You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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