We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
