I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
