Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
