thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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