Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
