On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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