I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
