The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
