tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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