Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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