my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
