Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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